While struggling to understand what God was doing in my life (or perhaps more accurately: why I didn’t feel encountered) I came across a statement from Jonathan Edwards in regards to having an ‘affected’ heart. Perfect, I thought, I am about to find a solution to my lack!

“it is an evidence that true religion lies very much in the affections, that the Scriptures place the sin of the heart very much in hardness of heart… Now by a hard heart is is plainly meant an unaffected heart, or a heart not easy to be moved with virtuous affections…” – Jonathan Edwards

WHAT?! In the midst of all You are doing in the physical location I live the burden of an affected heart lies at my door? My lack of encounter is because I have a hard heart?*

I must admit, when I finished reading JE’s thoughts on hardness of heart I was a bit perturbed. In pride I wanted to decry his opinions as inexperienced and arrogant. “How dare he pass judgment on my heart response!” Yet my response only proves his point: Me, be emotional? Are you seriously implying that I must walk in dependance and humility? What gall! Herein lies the truth: will I accept the sting of truth and welcome into my heart a cry for a heart of flesh – to truly have an affected heart? A “yes” is the very evidence that I have received a heart of flesh, that I am being affected.

It is easy to sideline yourself and insist you tried everything, easy as breathing. Dependance and faith, now that takes a conscientious choice. For me, I’m not giving up. Breakthrough is coming and I want in. My growth in tenderness may take time but it is no longer optional. I will not allow my pride to reign in my life – I embrace anew the promise of Proverbs 8:17 “And those who seek me diligently will find me” and thank the Lord for His gift of a tender and affected heart.

*Before you become offended at JE’s insight reference the work from which the quote was drawn: A Treatise Concerning Religious Affections. He does not draws us into a reflection of what we have not obtained but invites us to consider unto desiring a tender heart.

“But what is a tender heart, but a heart which is easily impressd with what ought to affect it? God commends Josiah, because his heart was tender: and it is evident, by those things which are mentioned as expressions and evidences of this tenderness of heart, that by his heart being tender is meant his heart being easily moved with religious and pious affection; 2 Kings xxii. 19. And this is one thing, wherein it is necessary we should ” become as little children in order to our entering into the kingdom of God,” even that we should have our hearts tender, and easily affected and moved in spiritual and divine things, as little children have in other things.” – Jonathan Edwards (emphasis added)

I am wondering tonight how one keeps pain from developing into bitterness? Feeling pain is not optional, bitterness is – but where is the line?

“if I give all my possessions to the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.” 1 Corinthians 13

Somehow I know this verse applies to my question (or perhaps more precisely my heart in the midst of my question) but what do I do? ASK. Mustering up the love necessary to endure cannot be found within myself and engagement from obligation will not last. A choice must be made; will my pain push me into bitterness or past pride and impel me to ask for help? Only if I receive the love of the Father through Jesus Christ will I have access to live through love in the midst of pain.

Sarah called this afternoon and a point was broached in our conversation I though worthy of expounding on.

Where do we fit in what God is doing? Specifically a fit in what He is doing at through the IHOPU Student Awakening. Clearly we aren’t the 25 and under ‘younger generation’ but does that make us the ‘older generation’? Does it depend on one’s past or present experience with outpourings or how long you have been saved?

I think fitting in is hogwash at best and probably far more a malicious entrapment than we believe. One can become so obsessed with finding the fit that he actually misses what he was created for. Who cares (besides myself) if I am a part of the younger or older? I was made for this moment, to love and be loved – am I daring enough to embrace it wholly? Often I leave my heart open to believe the whispers of rejection, worthlessness, unimportance. The continued dwelling on where I fit opens the door to wicked half-truth monsters which prey upon my soul. Dare I command my spirit to agree with Truth? To, with no pretense, cry out for help from the Holy Spirit that I might walk in the fullness of my destiny? I must set aside my desire to fit perfectly into a set group and embrace with abandon the hour in which I live.

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us” – Hebrews 12:1